I was born in a little sleepy holiday town in Scotland in the late 70’s, the youngest of 4 children, I was born to a very disadvantaged family. My mother was an alcoholic and I didn’t know my real father. My mother was brought up in a dysfunctional family and had been subjected to sexual abuse as a child, and I suspect spousal abuse also.
My birth mother tried her best to raise her children but with severe mental health issues herself, ailing physical health, and little to no proper foundations of how to raise children healthily I was very often neglected. I spent a lot of time in care as a child and suffered abuse at the hands of the carers during this time. Sadly when I was 10 my mother died of complications after a routine gallbladder operation and I was sent to live with an aunt and uncle. That should have been the end of the story. The truth is I was sent to live in an even more dysfunctional environment at the hands of my narcissistic aunt (who I will refer to as mum). As with most narcissistic people the first year or so I was lovebombed and my life was pretty awesome! I was the centre of mums world, bought clothing, food, holidays, and lavished attention on. I now had a stable male role model and 2 cousins I saw as my brothers.
As I reached my teenage years and searched for my autonomy life changed and I became no longer the little princess my mum wanted. The devaluing phase began. I was expected to cook, clean, stay in at weekends, and help with chores instead of being with friends. I became a financial liability even though my new family was paid to look after me as I was fostered. Eventually, at 18 I left home and never went back. I spent the next 22 years of my life in 2 very different abusive relationships to varying degrees of narcissists. During that time I suffered sexual, physical, emotional, financial, and psychological abuse. In 2020 I was eventually diagnosed with cPTSD after having previously been diagnosed with anxiety and depressive disorder. In 2020 I started trauma therapy and continued for 4 years until February of 2024 when I decided that I was finally ready to embark on life without the support of a therapist. This is a very simplified version of my story. To protect certain people in my life and myself as the reall story is full of so much trauma and abuse there isn’t enough space on the internet to type it.
So when I say I know where you are or have been. I really do! I know the black hole of despair. I know about planning your demise. About the pain being too much to carry and not being here seems a better option.
I am still here! I want you to know you are worth being here too. That there is a way to soothe the pain and move on from it. The pain will always be there, the memories and what ifs, except now you will have the toolbox and ability to see beyond it and build a life and a person that would have protected little you.